Lovesickness Sheikh Salman al-Oadah

By no means is love a sickness in and of itself. Indeed, it is the only known cure for many of the problems and ailments that we as human beings suffer from. However, love can turn into an illness if it becomes obsessive, if it goes beyond its proper bounds, or if the object of love is not worthy. When such a situation develops, love indeed becomes a sickness requiring a remedy.It is Allah’s order in the world that he sends down to it no affliction without sending down with it its cure. Love is no exception.

The treatment of this illness is as follows:1. As with all diseases, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. This is why we must lower our gazes and resist taking a second glance at a member of the opposite sex who attracts us. Allah says: “Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their chastity. That will make for greater purity for them, and Allah is acquainted with all that they do. And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their chastity…” [Sûrah al-Nûr: 30-31]We can see how Allah first issues the command to believing men, then repeats the command for believing women, thus emphasizing the importance of lowering our gazes.
The fact that Allah addresses members of each sex individually shows just how important and relevant this matter is to people of both sexes. Indeed, these verses are one of the few occasions where Allah addresses men and women separately in the Qur’ân.The look is the beginning that can lead to progressively greater ills. This is why Allah mentions it first, and then follows it up with the command for us to guard our chastity.A poet long ago observed:

A glance, a smile, a friendly hello, Some chatting, a date, then off they go!
If some of us find it difficult to carry out this command, they should write these verses down on a sheet of paper and hang them on their wall or place them on the dashboard – whatever it takes to remind them.

2. Thinking about the consequences is often a sobering dose of medicine. The ability to think about the far-reaching consequences of our actions is one of the distinctive qualities that set humanity apart from other animals. This is why a person just does not go ahead and do everything that tickles his fancy. He first has to think about what is behind it and what will come of it. For instance, he might pause to think, before embarking upon a certain course of action, that if he does so, he might succumb to AIDS. He might reflect upon how that dreaded disease has already claimed tens of millions of lives, how some of those who were careful – who chose only one sexual partner who even had an AIDS test – nevertheless came down with the disease. How many people like that do we hear about, some of whom come out and admit that the disease befell them as a punishment from Allah, and hoping that it might at least expiate for their sin?The same can be said for all the other sexually transmitted diseases.
The worst thing of all is to think that an indiscreet man can infect his pious, faithful, and chaste wife with one of these vile diseases.Another consequence to think about is pregnancy. A man who had repented for his sins once admitted to me that he had intentionally chosen to involve himself with a woman who was sterile.
Regardless, Allah wanted her to fall pregnant and she did.We should not be heedless of the consequences of our actions. Does anyone want to be responsible for someone coming into this world with no idea who his father is; someone who starts out life already disadvantaged?Maybe one of us will pay the price for his misdeed in this world. Maybe he will get away with it here, going through life unrepentant and unscathed, only to be humiliated for it before the eyes of all on the Day of Judgment.Some of the evil consequences of this behavior are psychological in nature. A man, once enamored of women, gets to the point that he can never be satisfied. He eternally craves variety and no degree of beauty is enough. Because of this, he may find himself eternally forbidden the lawful pleasure to be found within marriage. His senses and his sentiments have all been dulled.
Some young men travel abroad and spend their time in the company of prostitutes and other women of ill repute, but if one of them were ever to hear that his wife back home so much as looked at another man indiscreetly, he would divorce her on the spot.One man lamented: “I would forsake all the women of the world for the sake of one woman whom I knew would get worried if I came home at night a little bit late.” This is the sentiment of any man who possesses wisdom.

3. The communion of lawful love is the best cure of all. All of the stories of love that we find in our literature – whether it be that of Jamîl and Buthaynah, Kuthayyir and `Azzah, Qays and Laylâ, or for that matter their English equivalent Romeo and Juliet – deal with the anguish of unrequited love.Allah has placed in what is lawful all that we need so we can dispense with what He has made unlawful.
It provides the most fulfilling, satisfying, and deepest expression of love.The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “We see for those who are in love nothing better than marriage.” [Sunan Ibn Mâjah (1847) and Mustadrak Hâkim (2724) with a good chain of transmission]
Lawful matrimony is what brings healing to the heart and removes its disquiet. If it is not written for a certain man and women to come together in matrimony, each of them should have faith that there are many others out there with whom Allah can enrich them with a meaningful and loving relationship.

4. Resignation and a willingness to forsake what is wrong. No matter how painful it may be to part, it is sometimes necessary. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Whoever maintains his chastity, does so with the grace of Allah. Whoever finds self-sufficiency does so with what Allah has enriched him. Whoever is patient draws his fortitude from Allah. And no one has been given a gift better or more bountiful than patience.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (1469) and Sahîh Muslim (1053)]Whoever gives something up for Allah’s sake should know that Allah will give him in its stead something far better.

5. Channeling one’s energies and abilities into what is nobler, more precious, and sublime – the love of Allah We express this love by bringing benefit to His creatures, by our obedience to Him, by our prayers, our fasts, our remembrance of Him, our supplications, and our humility. We do so by keeping the company of righteous people and by aspiring to the noblest and most beneficial of goals. We should channel our energies into what benefits us in our worldly lives and in our faith.

Allah says: “Seek Allah’s help with patience and perseverance. It is indeed difficult except upon those who are humble.” [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 45]He says: “Whoever puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is Allah for him.” [Sûrah al-Talâq: 3]A heart that is full of concern for others will be a heart that is full of love – but not a slave to love. It is an empty heart that falls stricken for any visitor who graces its doorstep.We should take full advantage of our lives and be as productive as possible. We need to develop our talents, our minds, and put our creativity into practice. Yes! Be enamored – but be enamored of truth and knowledge. Be fully in love – but be in love with righteousness.

Nurturing Marital Love Sheikh Salman al-Oadah


He bounded up the stairs so energetically that it was hard for me to believe that here was a man of more than eighty years. He had the vitality of a youth. Then I learned the reason why:Though he had gotten married back in 1947 when he was about thirty years old, he was able to say to me: “I do not recall that I ever once got angry with my wife or that she was even once annoyed with me. And if I had a headache, it was impossible for her to sleep until after I fell asleep.”Then he said with feeling: “I can never think of going out somewhere, even to purchase some household needs, without taking her with me and holding her hand. It is as if we are newlyweds.”When, due to a medical operation, she had become unable to bear children, he said to her: “You are more precious to me than children.”He told me: “As long as she walks upon the Earth, I could never even think of marrying anyone else.”That man is a good example of how devotion can last even into old age. Unfortunately, when we look at the state of the majority of people of any age, we can appreciate that his relationship is a rarity indeed, a sort of ideal.Of course, we do not have to be held to such an ideal. Moreover, we should not go to our spouses and expect them to be like that when we ourselves have so many shortcomings.Marriage is love and affection.
Allah says: “He created for you mates from among yourselves so that you can seek comfort in them and He has placed between you affection and mercy.” [Sûrah al-Rûm: 21]

This is why each sex is drawn to the other in the first place, as if each person is looking for his missing other half. When the wife of the famous jurist Abû Rabî`ah died, he carried out her burial himself and had to wipe the dirt from his own hands. However, when he returned home, he was overcome with grief and lamented to his Lord, his eyes filling with tears: “Now…my home has died as well. The home only lives for the woman who dwells inside it.”Marital love requires extraordinary effort from both parties if it is to last and remain vital. The difficulty of marital love does not lie in those small disagreements that are a normal part of everyday life and that all couples have to work out. Indeed, such problems sometimes revitalize the relationship, like spice in a savory dish.

The real problem lies in three things:
The inability of one person to understand the other. Indeed sometimes a person even has difficulty understanding his own self.
The inability of a person to adapt to the partnership that is marriage and the inability to cope with the life changes that it brings. Many people expect things to remain the same as they were before.
The most important problem is a lack of commitment to the relationship and to making it last.
This is why it is necessary for people to understand “the rules of the game” when it comes to love.
Ten ways to achieve lasting love: Since marital love is prone to sickness and even death, it is imperative for couples to constantly work to revitalize and preserve it.Husbands and wives must do the following:
1. They have to get in the habit of saying things that are positive, like offering compliments and like making little prayers for each other.A husband could say to his wife: “If I were sent back to the days of my youth, I would not choose for a wife anyone besides you.” Of course, the wife can easily say something similar to her husband.Affectionate words have an effect, especially on women. They have, indeed, often been the weapons used by unscrupulous men to gain access to what is not theirs. Sweet words arouse a woman’s heart. A husband should take care to say them to his wife before someone else does.
2. Husbands and wives have to get into the habit of doing those little things that mean so much. If a man comes home to find his wife asleep, he can cover her and tuck her into bed. A husband can give his wife a call from work just to say hello and to let her know that he is thinking about her.If a wife finds that her husband has fallen asleep, she can give him a little kiss on the forehead, even if she thinks that he will not be aware of it. Indeed, on some level his senses are working even though he is asleep and he may very well be aware of it.The Prophet (peace be upon him) emphasized the value of these little things, “…even the morsel of food that you place in your wife’s mouth…” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

It may very well be that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was alluding to the expenditure of a man for his wife’s needs. Nonetheless, the Prophet (peace be upon him) chose to express it in the way he did for a reason. Most importantly, this is the way the Prophet peace be upon him) conducted himself with his family.This type of behavior is governed by the tastes of the people involved. It may take some getting used to, but it really does not take a lot of effort.A person who is not accustomed to such things may feel embarrassed just hearing about them and may prefer to leave matters the way they are rather than try to change his behavior and do things that he might see as ridiculous.Still, we must be willing introduce new habits into our lives if we do not want our problems to go on forever.
3. The husband and wife must set aside time to talk to each other. They should talk about the past; reminisce about the good times. Talking about them keeps them fresh in our minds as if they had happened only yesterday. They should talk about the future and share their hopes and their plans. They should also talk about the present, both the good and bad of it, and discuss different ways to solve their problems.
4. Keeping close physical contact is good for the relationship. This is not just for times of intimacy, but at all times, like when sitting in the lounge or walking down the street. This is regardless of the fact that there are still men in our society who are ashamed to have people see them walking in public with their wives at their sides.
5. Emotional support should be guaranteed whenever it is required. When the wife is pregnant or on her monthly period, she may need her husband to lend her a little moral support. He should take her mental state into consideration. Medical experts attest to the fact that when women go through pregnancy, menstruation, or postpartum bleeding, they suffer from psychological stress that can aversely affect their behavior. It is at times like these that a woman needs her husband’s support. She needs him to let her know how much she means to him and how much he needs her in his life.Likewise, the husband might fall ill or come under a lot of difficulties. The wife must take these things into consideration. If people want their relationship to last, they must let each other feel that support.
6. There have to be some material expressions of love. Gifts should be given, sometimes without there being any occasion for it, since a pleasant surprise is always welcome. A good gift is one that expresses feelings of affection. It does not have to be expensive, but it has to be appropriate for the other’s tastes and personality; something that will be cherished.
7. The husband and wife have to learn how to be more tolerant of each other and overlook one another’s shortcomings. It should become a habit to forget about the little mistakes of daily life and not even bring them up. Silence in these trivialities is a sign of noble character.A woman said to `Â’ishah: “When my husband comes home, he becomes like a cat. When he goes out, he becomes like a lion. He does not ask about what might have happened.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim] Ibn Hajar explains her words as follows:
They might mean that he is very generous and tolerant. He does not make a big fuss about what goes missing of his wealth. If he brings something for the house, he does not enquire about it later on. He does not make an issue of the shortcomings that he might see at home but instead is clement and tolerant.
It is wrong to go overboard in considering the faults of others but when it comes to ourselves, keep a running account of all our good qualities.There is a tradition that goes: “One of you sees the dust in his brother’s eyes and forgets about the dirt in his own.”
8. A husband and wife must come to an understanding when it comes to matters of mutual concern, like the raising of children, work, travel, expenses, and problems that might pose a threat to the marital relationship.
9. Husbands and wives need to do things to liven up their relationship. Each one of them can read a book or listen to a cassette that might give them some ideas on how they can revitalize their marital life and bring more meaning to it. They can vary their habits when it comes to relaxing together, dining, taking refreshments, decorating their home, and in relating to each other both openly and intimately. These are the things that keep up the excitement and interest in a relationship.
10. The relationship must be protected from negative influences that can harm it. One of the worst of these is the habit of comparing one’s spouse to others. Many men tend to compare their wives to those of other men. Some even compare them with the faces they see in magazines and on television. Women also compare their husbands with other women’s husbands in things like wealth, looks, and how many times he takes her out. All of this makes people feel bad and insufficient and it can ruin the marital relationship.If we must compare ourselves to others, we should do so with those who have less going for them than ourselves. Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Look towards those who are beneath you and do not look towards those who are above you. This is better so that you do not belittle Allah’s blessings.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]We must accustom ourselves to living in the real world and to finding contentment in what Allah has decreed for us. We should not look longingly at what others have been given. Whatever little that we have will be a lot if we utilize it well.It is quite possible that many who speak about their marital bliss and go on boasting about their husbands and wives are untruthful in what they say. They just like to brag.The grass often does seem greener on the other side, but only because we are not looking at it up close.

http://www.islamtoday.net/english/printmenice.cfm?cat_id=30&sub_cat_id=651

Islam's stance on oral sex
3/3/2004 10:30:00 AM GMT

Respected scholars of Islam, As-Salamu `Alaykum wa Rahmatu Allah wa Barakatuh. What is the Islamic stance on oral sex between the husband and his wife? Jazakum Allah khayran. Answer Wa`alykum As-Salaamu Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh. In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear questioner, thank you so much for your concerns about your religion and Allah’s teachings even in what concerns your sexual life with your wife. As regards your question, it is to be noted, first of all, that all acts that aim at satisfying and pleasing the spouses are allowable so long as two things are avoided, that is anal sex and having sex with a wife while she is still in her menstruation.
Thus, it is permissible for a husband and a wife to practice cunnilingus and fellatio. Following we’d cite the opinions of some well-known Muslim scholars in this regard: The eminent Muslim scholar, Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi states: “I was asked about oral sex in America and Europe when I began to travel to these countries in the early 70s. We are not used to be asked these questions in our Muslim countries. Those Western people are accustomed to stripping naked during sexual intercourse. These are communities of nakedness, and from the licentiousness of the woman that she wears nothing to screen her body in her daily life. So, they are in need of more excitements during copulation. However, men in our Muslim societies see nothing in the Muslim woman that can excite them on the basis of her wearing either Hijab (veil) or Niqab (face cover). But concerning whether being in complete nakedness during practicing copulation is lawful or not, the Prophet of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have said,

"Guard your private parts except from your wife or your slaves." Muslim jurists are of the opinion that it is lawful for the husband to perform cunnilingus on his wife, or a wife to perform the similar act for her husband (fellatio) and there is no wrong in doing so. But if sucking leads to releasing semen, then it is Makruh (blameworthy), but there is no decisive evidence (to forbid it). These parts are not dirty like anus, but it is ordinarily disgusting to man. But there is no decisive evidence to make it unlawful, especially if the wife agrees with it or achieves orgasm by practicing it. Allah, Exalted and Glorified be He, says: "And who guard their modesty, save from their wives or the slaves, that I heir right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy, but Who so craveth beyond that, such are transgressors.” (Al-Mu'minun: 5-7)”

In the light of this, scholars maintain that the husband is allowed to enjoy his wife through any means of enjoyment except anal sex, for that is strictly forbidden. Dr. Ali Jum`ah, professor of the Principles of Islamic Jurisprudence at Al-Azhar Univ., says further that licking, sucking and kissing spouse's sexual organs are all allowed, as long as it gives a person sexual gratification that will keep him away from Haram (unlawful) or starring at opposite sex (marriageable). But every Muslim must keep in mind that sexual intercourse is just a lust and passion that must be satisfied in a lawful way; it's not to be perceived as necessary as foods and drinks, as it's the case in the Western perverted ideology.

Shedding more light on this, Dr. Sabri `Abdul Ra’ouf, professor of Islamic Comparative Jurisprudence, at Al-Azhar Univ, says that it's allowed for the married couple to enjoy each other as long as what they do does not run counter to the teachings of Islam or violate the public norms. He also gives support to the view of Sheikh Al-Qaradawi that oral sex or kissing private parts of the spouse is something viewed disgusting to Muslims, but if the aim is just kissing (without having constant indulgence in it) it's not sinful to do that, but people of high morality normally keep away from that, as not to give in to imitating non-Muslims.” In conclusion, it has become clear now that oral sex is not prohibited, but it is not the normal choice for committed Muslims and Muslimahs.

That's, despite that oral sex is not Haram, it is completely disgusting and does not conform to the pure taste and decency of a Muslim personality. Here, it should be noted that one of the main objectives of Shari`ah is to safeguard the life of people and keep them healthy. Based on this, if it is scientifically proven that oral sex or such practices cause mouth cancer or form a danger on the health of a person who practices it, then it becomes totally prohibited.

Sex as Sadaqa


"Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to what is equitable and just; and men have a degree of advantage over them."
(Quran, 2:216)

They do indeed! This passage of the Holy Quran was revealed in connection with the rights of women following a divorce, but it also has a general sense.One basic right of every person taking on a contract never to have sex other than with their own legitimate partner is that each spouse should therefore provide sexual fulfillment (imta') to the other, as part of the bargain.Now, every man knows what sexual things please him--but some men, particularly those who have not been married before and are therefore lacking experience, don't seem to know much about how to give the same pleasure to the woman; even worse, some men do know but they can't be bothered to make the effort. Yet this is vital if a marriage is to succeed and not just be a disappointing burden for the woman, and it is a vital part of one's Islamic duty.It is not acceptable for a Muslim man just to satisfy himself while ignoring his wife's needs.
Experts agree that the basic psychological need of a man is respect, while that of a woman is love. Neither respect nor love are things that can be forced--they have to be worked for, and earned.The Prophet (s) stated that in one's sexual intimacy with one's life partner there is sadaqa (worship through giving): Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said:
"In the sexual act of each of you there is a sadaqa." The Companions replied: "O Messenger of Allah! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?" And he said, "Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded."
(Muslim)
This hadith only makes sense if the sexual act is raised above the mere animal level.What is the magic ingredient that turns sex into sadaqa that makes it a matter of reward or punishment from Allah? It is by making one's sex life more than simple physical gratification; it is by thought for pleasing Allah by unselfish care for one's partner. A husband that cannot understand this will never be fully respected by his wife.Neither spouse should ever act in a manner that would be injurious or harmful to their conjugal life. Nikah is the sacred tie between husband and wife, that sincere and devoted love without which they cannot attain happiness and peace of mind.

"Of His signs is this: that He created for you spouses that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy."
(Quran, 30:21)

Now, every Muslim knows that a man has a right on his wife. However, because nikah is a contract never to seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage bond, Islam commands not only the women but the men in this respect, and makes it clear that if a husband is not aware of the urges and needs of his wife, he will be committing a sin by depriving her of her rights.According to all four orthodox jurists, it is incumbent upon the husband to keep his wife happy and pleased in this respect. Likewise, it is essential for the wife to satisfy the desire of the husband. Neither should reject the other, unless there is some lawful excuse.Now, it is fairly easy for a woman to satisfy a man and make herself available to him, even if she is not really in the mood. It is far harder for a man to satisfy a woman if he is not in the mood, and this is where an important aspect of male responsibility needs to be brought to every Muslim man's attention, and stressed strongly.The jurists believed that a woman's private parts needed "protecting" (tahsin). What they meant was that it was important for a Muslim husband to satisfy his wife's sexual needs so that she would not be tempted to commit zina out of despair or frustration.A Muslim wife is not merely a lump of flesh without emotions or feelings, just there to satisfy a man's natural urges. On the contrary, her body contains a soul no less important in God's sight than her husband's. Her heart is very tender and delicate, and crude or rough manners would hurt her feelings and drive away love. The husband would be both foolish and immoral to act in any way unpalatable to her natural temperament, and a man selfishly seeking his own satisfaction without considering that of his wife is a selfish boor. In fact, according to a hadith:

"Three things are counted as inadequacies in a man. Firstly, meeting someone he would like to get to know, and taking leave of him before learning his name and his family. Secondly, rebuffing the generosity that another shows to him. And thirdly, going to his wife and having intercourse with her before talking to her and gaining her intimacy, satisfying his need from her before she has satisfied her need from him."
(Daylami)

This is another of the things implied by the saying that one's wife is "a tilth unto you." (Quran, 2:223) The imagery is that of a farmer taking care of his fields. According to Mawlana Abul-Ala Mawdudi:
"The farmer sows the seed in order to reap the harvest, but he does not sow it out of season or cultivate it in a manner which will injure or exhaust the soil. He is wise and considerate, and does not run riot."
(Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p.285)Likewise, in the case of husband and wife, the husband should not just take hold of his wife and rub the seed and finish the business of procreation. The damage in this case could sometimes be irreparable, because a woman, unlike a farm, is very sensitive and has emotions, feelings, and strong passions which need full satisfaction and attention in a proper and appropriate manner. (Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p. 286)If this is not taken into consideration, and the wife is not properly prepared to start lovemaking, or is unsatisfied when it is finished, there could be many psychological and physiological complications leading to frigidity and other abnormalities.Indeed, many husbands eventually become disappointed with their wives, believing them to be frigid or unable to respond to their activities, and they wonder what is wrong with them. A possible explanation will follow in a moment.Allah created male and female from a single soul in order that man might live with her in serenity (Quran, 7:189), and not in unhappiness, frustration and strife. If your marriage is frankly awful, then you must ask yourself how such a desperate and tragic scenario could be regarded by anyone as
"half the Faith."

According to a hadith:
"Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you." "And what is that messenger?" they asked, and he replied: "Kisses and words."
(Daylami)These "kisses and words" do not just include foreplay once intimacy has commenced. To set the right mood, little signals should begin well in advance, so that the wife has a clue as to what is coming, and is pleasantly expectant, and also has adequate time to make herself clean, attractive and ready. As regards intimacy itself, all men know that they cannot achieve sexual fulfillment if they are not aroused. They should also realise that it is actually harmful and painful for the female organs to be used for sex without proper preparation.In simple biological terms, the woman's private parts need a kind of natural lubrication before the sexual act takes place. For this, Allah has created special glands, known to modern doctors as the Bartholin glands, which provide the necessary "oils." It is still possible to read old-fashioned advice to husbands that a desirable wife should be "dry"--which is remarkable ignorance and makes one really grieve for the poor wives of such inconsiderate men. Just as no one would dream of trying to run an engine without the correct lubricating fluids, it is the same, through the creative will of Allah, with the parts of the female body designed for sexual intimacy.A husband should know how to stimulate the production of these "oils" in his wife, or at the very least allow her to use some artificial "oils." This lack of knowledge or consideration is where so many marital problems frequently arise.

As Imam al-Ghazali says: "Sex should begin with gentle words and kissing," and Imam al-Zabidi adds: "This should include not only the cheeks and lips; and then he should caress the breasts and nipples, and every part of her body." (Zabidi, Ithaf al-Sada al Muttaqin, V 372) Most men will not need telling this; but it should be remembered that failure to observe this Islamic practice is to neglect or deny the way Allah has created women.
Insulting a wife with bad marital manners

Firstly, a husband must overcome his shyness enough to actually look at his wife, and pay attention to her. If he cannot bring himself to follow this sunna, it is an insult to her, and extremely hurtful. Personal intimacy is a minefield of opportunities to hurt each other--glancing at the watch, a yawn at the wrong moment, appearing bored, and so on.A husband's duty is to convince his wife that he does love her--and this can only be done by word (constantly repeated word, I might add--such is the irritating nature of women!), and by looking and touching.Many people believe that the expression in the eyes reveals much of the human soul. Certainly the lover's gaze is a most endearing and treasured thing. Many wives yearn for that gaze of love, even after they have been married for years. If you cannot bring yourself to look at her while paying attention to her, she can only interprets this as a sign that you do not really love her. And even though it may be irritating to you, and seem quite superfluous, most women are deeply moved when a man actually tells her that he loves her.

Sex is clean!

A modest upbringing is part of good character. The Prophet (s) himself said: "Modesty brings nothing but good." (Bukhari and Muslim) But another important part of Islamic teaching says that all of Allah's creation is beautiful and pure, particularly when it is part of the body of human beings, who are designed as his deputies upon the earth. In some religions, people traditionally believed that the woman's private parts are in some way unclean, or dirty, or even evil.

An excerpt from 'The Muslim Marriage Guide', By Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood (Amana Publications)Source: www.zawaj.com

TRUST IN ALLAH

We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognise His infinite knowledge and wisdom.Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allah.It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."
I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him.Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favourite colour is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this salaat.The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be blessed with a dream. Note that you must follow the results of an istikharah, because not doing so is tantamount to rejecting Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should firstly clear your mind, not have your mind already decided, and then afterwards follow the results willingly.The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognising that it is Allah who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al Qur'an.The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ". Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rearer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent. When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189]. Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74].I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him"[s.3;v.159]. May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves. "When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way"[al-Baqarah,v.186].

Questions to Ask a Prospective Marriage PartnerDon't just rush into marriage.

Sort out these key issues in advance.Compiled by Chloe Chaudhry. Derived from Bent Rib: A Journey through Women’s issues in Islam by Huda al-Khattab.

The following questions are offered in the interest of helping Muslims to think through issues important to marriage. You may wish to ask these questions when you’re considering someone for marriage, either of them or just of yourself. You may also wish to ask them of an intermediary, who may be able to provide you an unbiased perspective. Some of the questions may seem "unIslamic", but they deal with the reality of today's social situation, and NOT asking a question may ultimately prove to be a bigger mistake than asking it.

GENERAL QUESTIONS:
Why are you interested in marrying at this time?
How would you describe yourself?
What do you consider your greatest achievement to date?
Describe three experiences you’ve had that you’ve benefited/learned from.
What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life? How has it affected you?
If there was one thing you would like to change about yourself, what would it be?
What are your goals for this life? What would you like to accomplish before you die?
What are you looking for in a spouse?

DECIDING WHETHER TO MARRY:
What role do you think parents should play in helping to select your spouse?
What process do you want to use to determine whether you have found the right spouse? Phone? E-mail? Chaperoned or unchaperoned in person? How much time do you want to decide?

DEEN (ISLAMIC LIFESTYLE):
What do you do to feel close to Allah (swt)?
How to you hope to get closer to Allah (swt) through marriage?
What do you want to improve about yourself Islamically?
How many times per day do you pray? What about while at work?
How much Qur’an have you memorized?
To what extent are you involved in the Islamic community?
Do you fast during Ramadan?
How do you determine how to distribute Zakat? How do you give in Sadaqa?
Have you been on Hajj or Umrah? When would you like to go?
Are you affiliated with a particular masjid or Islamic group?
How important do you think it is to only eat Halal meat?
How important do you think it is for women to wear hijab? What about men?
How do you like to celebrate religious holidays?
Do you go for jummah prayers?

LIVING AS A MUSLIM MINORITY:
Do you have non-Muslim friends?
What do you think Muslims should do on Western holidays?

EXTENDED FAMILY:
What do you think parents/extended family’s role should be in making important decisions: wedding planning, child rearing, vacations, where you will live?
What do you do if there is a conflict between your spouse and your family?
Are you comfortable living with extended family, particularly as they age? Are other accommodations possible?
How much time do you anticipate spending with your extended family, in person or by phone?
Would you describe the character of your family members?
What have you learned from observing your family that you do or do not want to incorporate into your marriage?

PROFESSION:
What career path do you plan on taking?
Will both husband and wife work outside the home?
Under what conditions would you be willing to move to further your or your spouse’s professional growth?
How much time do you spend at work?
How do you plan to balance time at work and time with the family?
What kind of business functions will you ask each other to host/attend?
Would you encourage/support the idea of me going back to school for advanced degrees?
How would we support ourselves if we both had to be in school?

INTERESTS/ACTIVITIES:
How do you like to spend your free time?
How much time do you spend watching TV?
What interests would you like to share with your spouse?
How much time alone would you like to have?
How do you feel about separate vacations? Business trips? Conferences?

SOCIAL LIFE:
How much time do you want to spend with friends? By yourself? As a couple?
How would you feel about your spouse having friends of the opposite gender?

WHERE TO LIVE:
Where do you want to live? Why?
Will you want to live near your extended family?
Do you prefer city? Suburb? Countryside?
Do you want to live in the U.S. or abroad?
How important is it to live in a large Muslim community?

CHILDREN:
How many children do you want to have?
When do you think you’ll be ready to have children?
How will you distribute responsibility for child rearing? Diapering?
What do you think it is important to teach children?
What is your view on raising children? Do you spank?
To what extent would you be willing to utilize family members, friends, baby sitters or day are to watch your children?
How will you ensure your children have a good Islamic education?
What would you do if you could not have children?
Do you want your children to grow up bilingual? In what languages?

MONEY:
How many personal savings/checking accounts would you want?
Who should be responsible for paying bills?
What about prior assets?
How will you determine how much should be spent on the household? On personal items? On charity?
How much should either person be able to spend by themselves without consulting the other?
How much should be paid out in maher (dowry)? Up front versus deferred?
If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third attempt at a start-up when the first two had failed, would you give it to him?
What would be your top five criteria for developing a financial plan?

LAST NAMES:
Should the wife change her last name?
What last name should the children carry?

HOUSE:
How do you feel about cleanliness, neatness and housework?
How do you feel about knickknacks and artwork?
Who is responsible for work around the house?
What are the household chores you are used to doing?
Have you ever lived alone? Have you ever had a roommate? Have you always lived with your parents?
How do you feel about pets?
What are your preferences in terms of food? Mostly from your own ethnic group, or a more diverse palate? Only home-made, or also convenience or from restaurants? Meat or vegetarian?
If we were both working and we both got home about the same time, would you expect the wife to always be the cook?
How do you feel about smoking?

DIFFERENCES:
What are your pet peeves?
How should disagreements be resolved?
How do you act when you get upset?
How would you go about making you spouse happy when s/he was feeling down?
What would you want your spouse to do if you disagreed about something?
What if the disagreement is over an interpretation of Islam?
Who would be your choice of arbiters, or how do you feel about arbitration?
How do you feel about marriage counselling?

MONOGAMY/FIDELITY/HONESTY:
What are your views?
What is your experience with families with a second wife?
Will infidelity automatically end the marriage?

CULTURE:
What role does culture play in your life?

10 suprises for every new married couple

10 surprises for every new married couple

Yes, marriage can be full of surprises for those who are not ready for it or who do not know the full reality of marriage and its future impacts. The major concern for each one of us is to get married and be settled and once this target has been accomplished, we begin to discover lots of things that make us doubt the success of our marriage and its continuity. Therefore, there are 10 surprises that each married couple should know to increase their happiness and settlement.

The first surprise:
Sometimes the married person feels lonely although the other partner and the children are around. That is common in all marriages. It doesn’t mean that the marriage is not happy or the social side is lacking, but feeling lonely is sometimes a normal emotion.

The second surprise:
Sometimes the married person feels cold and doesn’t feel the “exciting love” towards the other partner. This is as well a common matter in all marriages, the continuance of the strong and high-leveled love is something impossible and the soul has its approach and its retreat as the emotional feelings gets through tide and ebb.

The third surprise:
The changes that might occur on the married couple’s interests, appearance, hobbies or reading, is natural in every human being and is a sign of growing, maturing and changing. Neither partner should deny this change.

The forth surprise:
The couple doesn’t have to agree on everything between them in family life. Some couples get bothered by the frequent conflicts in opinions. That is something normal and exists in all marriages as it’s a part of the human nature .but true happiness lies within learning how to deal with conflicts.

The fifth surprise:
The married couple clash when they discover that not every problem has a solution, and that’s a big surprise for them as they were expecting that they would have the ability to handle problems and forgot that “Time” is usually part of the therapy.

The sixth surprise:
Sometimes, the couple goes through a phase where there’s no physical contact between them for a number of weeks.
That leads them to feel tense and sometimes a partner may think of ending the marriage, without realising that this is a common occurrence between married couples stemming from the individuals feelings and circumstances at the time.

The seventh surprise:
Each person thinks that s/he can hide things from their partner, but surprisingly that most of the hidden truths and secrets get discovered by the other over time and this occurs in most marriages.

The eighth surprise:
The couple usually thinks that married days and nights should be full of happiness, joy and pleasure and they get shocked when they find out that the days actually fluctuate between sweetness and bitterness. This is a phase that every marriage has to go through.

The ninth surprise:
Each one of the couple thinks that s/he is more devoted than the other partner and when they speak about it, they find out that the other partner thinks the same about s/himself.! And this is another phase that all marriages have to go through.
However, the unlimited devotion and sacrifice are necessary for the couple’s happiness from the beginning of the marriage till its end.

The tenth surprise:
We’ll leave it to the reader to write about her/his own experience and what has been discovered by him/her as a surprise. What has been written in this article is based on actual observation and experience in dealing with married couples. If each couple is prepared for these surprises, then their marriages will be full of joy and contentment.

Traslated by: Boushra Team
Source: http://www.almutawa.info/ara/article.php?sid=276