Islam's stance on oral sex
3/3/2004 10:30:00 AM GMT

Respected scholars of Islam, As-Salamu `Alaykum wa Rahmatu Allah wa Barakatuh. What is the Islamic stance on oral sex between the husband and his wife? Jazakum Allah khayran. Answer Wa`alykum As-Salaamu Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh. In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear questioner, thank you so much for your concerns about your religion and Allah’s teachings even in what concerns your sexual life with your wife. As regards your question, it is to be noted, first of all, that all acts that aim at satisfying and pleasing the spouses are allowable so long as two things are avoided, that is anal sex and having sex with a wife while she is still in her menstruation.
Thus, it is permissible for a husband and a wife to practice cunnilingus and fellatio. Following we’d cite the opinions of some well-known Muslim scholars in this regard: The eminent Muslim scholar, Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi states: “I was asked about oral sex in America and Europe when I began to travel to these countries in the early 70s. We are not used to be asked these questions in our Muslim countries. Those Western people are accustomed to stripping naked during sexual intercourse. These are communities of nakedness, and from the licentiousness of the woman that she wears nothing to screen her body in her daily life. So, they are in need of more excitements during copulation. However, men in our Muslim societies see nothing in the Muslim woman that can excite them on the basis of her wearing either Hijab (veil) or Niqab (face cover). But concerning whether being in complete nakedness during practicing copulation is lawful or not, the Prophet of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have said,

"Guard your private parts except from your wife or your slaves." Muslim jurists are of the opinion that it is lawful for the husband to perform cunnilingus on his wife, or a wife to perform the similar act for her husband (fellatio) and there is no wrong in doing so. But if sucking leads to releasing semen, then it is Makruh (blameworthy), but there is no decisive evidence (to forbid it). These parts are not dirty like anus, but it is ordinarily disgusting to man. But there is no decisive evidence to make it unlawful, especially if the wife agrees with it or achieves orgasm by practicing it. Allah, Exalted and Glorified be He, says: "And who guard their modesty, save from their wives or the slaves, that I heir right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy, but Who so craveth beyond that, such are transgressors.” (Al-Mu'minun: 5-7)”

In the light of this, scholars maintain that the husband is allowed to enjoy his wife through any means of enjoyment except anal sex, for that is strictly forbidden. Dr. Ali Jum`ah, professor of the Principles of Islamic Jurisprudence at Al-Azhar Univ., says further that licking, sucking and kissing spouse's sexual organs are all allowed, as long as it gives a person sexual gratification that will keep him away from Haram (unlawful) or starring at opposite sex (marriageable). But every Muslim must keep in mind that sexual intercourse is just a lust and passion that must be satisfied in a lawful way; it's not to be perceived as necessary as foods and drinks, as it's the case in the Western perverted ideology.

Shedding more light on this, Dr. Sabri `Abdul Ra’ouf, professor of Islamic Comparative Jurisprudence, at Al-Azhar Univ, says that it's allowed for the married couple to enjoy each other as long as what they do does not run counter to the teachings of Islam or violate the public norms. He also gives support to the view of Sheikh Al-Qaradawi that oral sex or kissing private parts of the spouse is something viewed disgusting to Muslims, but if the aim is just kissing (without having constant indulgence in it) it's not sinful to do that, but people of high morality normally keep away from that, as not to give in to imitating non-Muslims.” In conclusion, it has become clear now that oral sex is not prohibited, but it is not the normal choice for committed Muslims and Muslimahs.

That's, despite that oral sex is not Haram, it is completely disgusting and does not conform to the pure taste and decency of a Muslim personality. Here, it should be noted that one of the main objectives of Shari`ah is to safeguard the life of people and keep them healthy. Based on this, if it is scientifically proven that oral sex or such practices cause mouth cancer or form a danger on the health of a person who practices it, then it becomes totally prohibited.

Sex as Sadaqa


"Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to what is equitable and just; and men have a degree of advantage over them."
(Quran, 2:216)

They do indeed! This passage of the Holy Quran was revealed in connection with the rights of women following a divorce, but it also has a general sense.One basic right of every person taking on a contract never to have sex other than with their own legitimate partner is that each spouse should therefore provide sexual fulfillment (imta') to the other, as part of the bargain.Now, every man knows what sexual things please him--but some men, particularly those who have not been married before and are therefore lacking experience, don't seem to know much about how to give the same pleasure to the woman; even worse, some men do know but they can't be bothered to make the effort. Yet this is vital if a marriage is to succeed and not just be a disappointing burden for the woman, and it is a vital part of one's Islamic duty.It is not acceptable for a Muslim man just to satisfy himself while ignoring his wife's needs.
Experts agree that the basic psychological need of a man is respect, while that of a woman is love. Neither respect nor love are things that can be forced--they have to be worked for, and earned.The Prophet (s) stated that in one's sexual intimacy with one's life partner there is sadaqa (worship through giving): Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said:
"In the sexual act of each of you there is a sadaqa." The Companions replied: "O Messenger of Allah! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?" And he said, "Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded."
(Muslim)
This hadith only makes sense if the sexual act is raised above the mere animal level.What is the magic ingredient that turns sex into sadaqa that makes it a matter of reward or punishment from Allah? It is by making one's sex life more than simple physical gratification; it is by thought for pleasing Allah by unselfish care for one's partner. A husband that cannot understand this will never be fully respected by his wife.Neither spouse should ever act in a manner that would be injurious or harmful to their conjugal life. Nikah is the sacred tie between husband and wife, that sincere and devoted love without which they cannot attain happiness and peace of mind.

"Of His signs is this: that He created for you spouses that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy."
(Quran, 30:21)

Now, every Muslim knows that a man has a right on his wife. However, because nikah is a contract never to seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage bond, Islam commands not only the women but the men in this respect, and makes it clear that if a husband is not aware of the urges and needs of his wife, he will be committing a sin by depriving her of her rights.According to all four orthodox jurists, it is incumbent upon the husband to keep his wife happy and pleased in this respect. Likewise, it is essential for the wife to satisfy the desire of the husband. Neither should reject the other, unless there is some lawful excuse.Now, it is fairly easy for a woman to satisfy a man and make herself available to him, even if she is not really in the mood. It is far harder for a man to satisfy a woman if he is not in the mood, and this is where an important aspect of male responsibility needs to be brought to every Muslim man's attention, and stressed strongly.The jurists believed that a woman's private parts needed "protecting" (tahsin). What they meant was that it was important for a Muslim husband to satisfy his wife's sexual needs so that she would not be tempted to commit zina out of despair or frustration.A Muslim wife is not merely a lump of flesh without emotions or feelings, just there to satisfy a man's natural urges. On the contrary, her body contains a soul no less important in God's sight than her husband's. Her heart is very tender and delicate, and crude or rough manners would hurt her feelings and drive away love. The husband would be both foolish and immoral to act in any way unpalatable to her natural temperament, and a man selfishly seeking his own satisfaction without considering that of his wife is a selfish boor. In fact, according to a hadith:

"Three things are counted as inadequacies in a man. Firstly, meeting someone he would like to get to know, and taking leave of him before learning his name and his family. Secondly, rebuffing the generosity that another shows to him. And thirdly, going to his wife and having intercourse with her before talking to her and gaining her intimacy, satisfying his need from her before she has satisfied her need from him."
(Daylami)

This is another of the things implied by the saying that one's wife is "a tilth unto you." (Quran, 2:223) The imagery is that of a farmer taking care of his fields. According to Mawlana Abul-Ala Mawdudi:
"The farmer sows the seed in order to reap the harvest, but he does not sow it out of season or cultivate it in a manner which will injure or exhaust the soil. He is wise and considerate, and does not run riot."
(Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p.285)Likewise, in the case of husband and wife, the husband should not just take hold of his wife and rub the seed and finish the business of procreation. The damage in this case could sometimes be irreparable, because a woman, unlike a farm, is very sensitive and has emotions, feelings, and strong passions which need full satisfaction and attention in a proper and appropriate manner. (Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p. 286)If this is not taken into consideration, and the wife is not properly prepared to start lovemaking, or is unsatisfied when it is finished, there could be many psychological and physiological complications leading to frigidity and other abnormalities.Indeed, many husbands eventually become disappointed with their wives, believing them to be frigid or unable to respond to their activities, and they wonder what is wrong with them. A possible explanation will follow in a moment.Allah created male and female from a single soul in order that man might live with her in serenity (Quran, 7:189), and not in unhappiness, frustration and strife. If your marriage is frankly awful, then you must ask yourself how such a desperate and tragic scenario could be regarded by anyone as
"half the Faith."

According to a hadith:
"Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you." "And what is that messenger?" they asked, and he replied: "Kisses and words."
(Daylami)These "kisses and words" do not just include foreplay once intimacy has commenced. To set the right mood, little signals should begin well in advance, so that the wife has a clue as to what is coming, and is pleasantly expectant, and also has adequate time to make herself clean, attractive and ready. As regards intimacy itself, all men know that they cannot achieve sexual fulfillment if they are not aroused. They should also realise that it is actually harmful and painful for the female organs to be used for sex without proper preparation.In simple biological terms, the woman's private parts need a kind of natural lubrication before the sexual act takes place. For this, Allah has created special glands, known to modern doctors as the Bartholin glands, which provide the necessary "oils." It is still possible to read old-fashioned advice to husbands that a desirable wife should be "dry"--which is remarkable ignorance and makes one really grieve for the poor wives of such inconsiderate men. Just as no one would dream of trying to run an engine without the correct lubricating fluids, it is the same, through the creative will of Allah, with the parts of the female body designed for sexual intimacy.A husband should know how to stimulate the production of these "oils" in his wife, or at the very least allow her to use some artificial "oils." This lack of knowledge or consideration is where so many marital problems frequently arise.

As Imam al-Ghazali says: "Sex should begin with gentle words and kissing," and Imam al-Zabidi adds: "This should include not only the cheeks and lips; and then he should caress the breasts and nipples, and every part of her body." (Zabidi, Ithaf al-Sada al Muttaqin, V 372) Most men will not need telling this; but it should be remembered that failure to observe this Islamic practice is to neglect or deny the way Allah has created women.
Insulting a wife with bad marital manners

Firstly, a husband must overcome his shyness enough to actually look at his wife, and pay attention to her. If he cannot bring himself to follow this sunna, it is an insult to her, and extremely hurtful. Personal intimacy is a minefield of opportunities to hurt each other--glancing at the watch, a yawn at the wrong moment, appearing bored, and so on.A husband's duty is to convince his wife that he does love her--and this can only be done by word (constantly repeated word, I might add--such is the irritating nature of women!), and by looking and touching.Many people believe that the expression in the eyes reveals much of the human soul. Certainly the lover's gaze is a most endearing and treasured thing. Many wives yearn for that gaze of love, even after they have been married for years. If you cannot bring yourself to look at her while paying attention to her, she can only interprets this as a sign that you do not really love her. And even though it may be irritating to you, and seem quite superfluous, most women are deeply moved when a man actually tells her that he loves her.

Sex is clean!

A modest upbringing is part of good character. The Prophet (s) himself said: "Modesty brings nothing but good." (Bukhari and Muslim) But another important part of Islamic teaching says that all of Allah's creation is beautiful and pure, particularly when it is part of the body of human beings, who are designed as his deputies upon the earth. In some religions, people traditionally believed that the woman's private parts are in some way unclean, or dirty, or even evil.

An excerpt from 'The Muslim Marriage Guide', By Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood (Amana Publications)Source: www.zawaj.com

TRUST IN ALLAH

We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognise His infinite knowledge and wisdom.Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allah.It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."
I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him.Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favourite colour is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this salaat.The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be blessed with a dream. Note that you must follow the results of an istikharah, because not doing so is tantamount to rejecting Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should firstly clear your mind, not have your mind already decided, and then afterwards follow the results willingly.The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognising that it is Allah who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al Qur'an.The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ". Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rearer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent. When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189]. Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74].I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him"[s.3;v.159]. May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves. "When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way"[al-Baqarah,v.186].

Questions to Ask a Prospective Marriage PartnerDon't just rush into marriage.

Sort out these key issues in advance.Compiled by Chloe Chaudhry. Derived from Bent Rib: A Journey through Women’s issues in Islam by Huda al-Khattab.

The following questions are offered in the interest of helping Muslims to think through issues important to marriage. You may wish to ask these questions when you’re considering someone for marriage, either of them or just of yourself. You may also wish to ask them of an intermediary, who may be able to provide you an unbiased perspective. Some of the questions may seem "unIslamic", but they deal with the reality of today's social situation, and NOT asking a question may ultimately prove to be a bigger mistake than asking it.

GENERAL QUESTIONS:
Why are you interested in marrying at this time?
How would you describe yourself?
What do you consider your greatest achievement to date?
Describe three experiences you’ve had that you’ve benefited/learned from.
What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life? How has it affected you?
If there was one thing you would like to change about yourself, what would it be?
What are your goals for this life? What would you like to accomplish before you die?
What are you looking for in a spouse?

DECIDING WHETHER TO MARRY:
What role do you think parents should play in helping to select your spouse?
What process do you want to use to determine whether you have found the right spouse? Phone? E-mail? Chaperoned or unchaperoned in person? How much time do you want to decide?

DEEN (ISLAMIC LIFESTYLE):
What do you do to feel close to Allah (swt)?
How to you hope to get closer to Allah (swt) through marriage?
What do you want to improve about yourself Islamically?
How many times per day do you pray? What about while at work?
How much Qur’an have you memorized?
To what extent are you involved in the Islamic community?
Do you fast during Ramadan?
How do you determine how to distribute Zakat? How do you give in Sadaqa?
Have you been on Hajj or Umrah? When would you like to go?
Are you affiliated with a particular masjid or Islamic group?
How important do you think it is to only eat Halal meat?
How important do you think it is for women to wear hijab? What about men?
How do you like to celebrate religious holidays?
Do you go for jummah prayers?

LIVING AS A MUSLIM MINORITY:
Do you have non-Muslim friends?
What do you think Muslims should do on Western holidays?

EXTENDED FAMILY:
What do you think parents/extended family’s role should be in making important decisions: wedding planning, child rearing, vacations, where you will live?
What do you do if there is a conflict between your spouse and your family?
Are you comfortable living with extended family, particularly as they age? Are other accommodations possible?
How much time do you anticipate spending with your extended family, in person or by phone?
Would you describe the character of your family members?
What have you learned from observing your family that you do or do not want to incorporate into your marriage?

PROFESSION:
What career path do you plan on taking?
Will both husband and wife work outside the home?
Under what conditions would you be willing to move to further your or your spouse’s professional growth?
How much time do you spend at work?
How do you plan to balance time at work and time with the family?
What kind of business functions will you ask each other to host/attend?
Would you encourage/support the idea of me going back to school for advanced degrees?
How would we support ourselves if we both had to be in school?

INTERESTS/ACTIVITIES:
How do you like to spend your free time?
How much time do you spend watching TV?
What interests would you like to share with your spouse?
How much time alone would you like to have?
How do you feel about separate vacations? Business trips? Conferences?

SOCIAL LIFE:
How much time do you want to spend with friends? By yourself? As a couple?
How would you feel about your spouse having friends of the opposite gender?

WHERE TO LIVE:
Where do you want to live? Why?
Will you want to live near your extended family?
Do you prefer city? Suburb? Countryside?
Do you want to live in the U.S. or abroad?
How important is it to live in a large Muslim community?

CHILDREN:
How many children do you want to have?
When do you think you’ll be ready to have children?
How will you distribute responsibility for child rearing? Diapering?
What do you think it is important to teach children?
What is your view on raising children? Do you spank?
To what extent would you be willing to utilize family members, friends, baby sitters or day are to watch your children?
How will you ensure your children have a good Islamic education?
What would you do if you could not have children?
Do you want your children to grow up bilingual? In what languages?

MONEY:
How many personal savings/checking accounts would you want?
Who should be responsible for paying bills?
What about prior assets?
How will you determine how much should be spent on the household? On personal items? On charity?
How much should either person be able to spend by themselves without consulting the other?
How much should be paid out in maher (dowry)? Up front versus deferred?
If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third attempt at a start-up when the first two had failed, would you give it to him?
What would be your top five criteria for developing a financial plan?

LAST NAMES:
Should the wife change her last name?
What last name should the children carry?

HOUSE:
How do you feel about cleanliness, neatness and housework?
How do you feel about knickknacks and artwork?
Who is responsible for work around the house?
What are the household chores you are used to doing?
Have you ever lived alone? Have you ever had a roommate? Have you always lived with your parents?
How do you feel about pets?
What are your preferences in terms of food? Mostly from your own ethnic group, or a more diverse palate? Only home-made, or also convenience or from restaurants? Meat or vegetarian?
If we were both working and we both got home about the same time, would you expect the wife to always be the cook?
How do you feel about smoking?

DIFFERENCES:
What are your pet peeves?
How should disagreements be resolved?
How do you act when you get upset?
How would you go about making you spouse happy when s/he was feeling down?
What would you want your spouse to do if you disagreed about something?
What if the disagreement is over an interpretation of Islam?
Who would be your choice of arbiters, or how do you feel about arbitration?
How do you feel about marriage counselling?

MONOGAMY/FIDELITY/HONESTY:
What are your views?
What is your experience with families with a second wife?
Will infidelity automatically end the marriage?

CULTURE:
What role does culture play in your life?

10 suprises for every new married couple

10 surprises for every new married couple

Yes, marriage can be full of surprises for those who are not ready for it or who do not know the full reality of marriage and its future impacts. The major concern for each one of us is to get married and be settled and once this target has been accomplished, we begin to discover lots of things that make us doubt the success of our marriage and its continuity. Therefore, there are 10 surprises that each married couple should know to increase their happiness and settlement.

The first surprise:
Sometimes the married person feels lonely although the other partner and the children are around. That is common in all marriages. It doesn’t mean that the marriage is not happy or the social side is lacking, but feeling lonely is sometimes a normal emotion.

The second surprise:
Sometimes the married person feels cold and doesn’t feel the “exciting love” towards the other partner. This is as well a common matter in all marriages, the continuance of the strong and high-leveled love is something impossible and the soul has its approach and its retreat as the emotional feelings gets through tide and ebb.

The third surprise:
The changes that might occur on the married couple’s interests, appearance, hobbies or reading, is natural in every human being and is a sign of growing, maturing and changing. Neither partner should deny this change.

The forth surprise:
The couple doesn’t have to agree on everything between them in family life. Some couples get bothered by the frequent conflicts in opinions. That is something normal and exists in all marriages as it’s a part of the human nature .but true happiness lies within learning how to deal with conflicts.

The fifth surprise:
The married couple clash when they discover that not every problem has a solution, and that’s a big surprise for them as they were expecting that they would have the ability to handle problems and forgot that “Time” is usually part of the therapy.

The sixth surprise:
Sometimes, the couple goes through a phase where there’s no physical contact between them for a number of weeks.
That leads them to feel tense and sometimes a partner may think of ending the marriage, without realising that this is a common occurrence between married couples stemming from the individuals feelings and circumstances at the time.

The seventh surprise:
Each person thinks that s/he can hide things from their partner, but surprisingly that most of the hidden truths and secrets get discovered by the other over time and this occurs in most marriages.

The eighth surprise:
The couple usually thinks that married days and nights should be full of happiness, joy and pleasure and they get shocked when they find out that the days actually fluctuate between sweetness and bitterness. This is a phase that every marriage has to go through.

The ninth surprise:
Each one of the couple thinks that s/he is more devoted than the other partner and when they speak about it, they find out that the other partner thinks the same about s/himself.! And this is another phase that all marriages have to go through.
However, the unlimited devotion and sacrifice are necessary for the couple’s happiness from the beginning of the marriage till its end.

The tenth surprise:
We’ll leave it to the reader to write about her/his own experience and what has been discovered by him/her as a surprise. What has been written in this article is based on actual observation and experience in dealing with married couples. If each couple is prepared for these surprises, then their marriages will be full of joy and contentment.

Traslated by: Boushra Team
Source: http://www.almutawa.info/ara/article.php?sid=276